Thanks everyone for all the love on the last episode. We’re well on our way to becoming the best fucking hip-hop podcast in history. I mean, we already are, but we’re just waiting for everyone else (and also Google) to realize that. To thank you all for your dedication, though, I bring you this: the very first 80s hip-hop video review on a hip-hop podcast show EVER. check it…

I remember hearing a while back that Hulk Hogan had put out a rap record in the 80s or something, but this is much much better.

Apparently during the 80s rap craze, which is sort of like the 2000s hate-on-people-of-color craze but with less illegal imprisonment of US citizens, someone, somewhere, decided that it would be a good idea for Mr. T to start rapping.

I mean, okay, I’m not saying that Mr. T shouldn’t rap. Dude was in A-Team, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. But yeah, turns out that he made a music video, which you can watch here.

So watch the video, and come back. More after the jump.

The Review.

Here’s the thing - when I first heard about this, I wanted to make fun of it. I mean, come on, dude’s not a rapper, shouldn’t this be a comedy goldmine? Well, not really. I mean, technically, the song actually isn’t all bad. But I can definitely take apart this video for those of you that are in the cheap seats:

The video starts out with a little black kid and some big white girl. She starts insulting his age, and he comes back with some shit about how she’s so fat that they have to jack her up to take off her shoes.

Right away, I decide that I like this kid. He reminds me of when I was twelve, except I was probably cuter.

Then the girl comes back with some shit about him being skinny. Boo. Homedude comes at her with an ugly line. I mean, if this was a rap battle, kid would win hands down. He’s literally about one third her size, but he’s all up in her face like it’s nothin. I swear to god though, the whole time I was waiting for the girl to bust out something about him being black, and then the kid was gonna start swinging. But then I realized that this was some kinda public service thing or some bullshit, and realized that they didn’t talk about that shit on TV in the 80s. Still, though, when the girl comes in with the “yo mama” line, that coulda caught her a left hook from that boy.

It’s a good thing that Mr. T came to save the day, cause they woulda had to hook her up to a fucking respirator, cause I got a feeling that that little cat could scrap.

So Mr. T comes in with fucking Fort Knox around his neck and tells them that disrespecting anyone’s mama is like disrespecting all mothers. Makes sense to me, except for the fact that I drop mama jokes on anyone and everyone, including my own mother.

But that’s me.

But she does the same thing to me.

Which is sort of weird.

Anyway, the camera pulls out to reveal three 80s-status big hair women dancing backup for the performance that Mr. T is about to put on. Of course, in typical 80s PC fashion they have one black lady, one white lady, and another one that I’m pretty sure is white, but I could be wrong. Interestingly enough, though, the racially ambiguous lady and the black chick can’t fucking dance for shit. The one on the left is barely going through the motions, and the one on the right isn’t much better. The white chick in the middle makes up for what she lacks in talent and melanin with raw energy and passion.

This is probably because she’s been doing some sort of drug, but hey, it was the 80s. Didn’t everyone? Come on. Neon orange and red? You know you were all on some kinda happy dust for that shit to actually look good to you. Christ.

Mr T, though. I don’t know. Like I said, I’d like to poke fun at this, but I can’t really, especially when I get tons and tons of CDs on the daily that are so much worse than this. Mr. T should never pursue rapping professionally, but for the purposes of this video, it’s fine. His delivery is okay, his rhymes are all right, and his timing is a bit off, and he has zero expression, but it still sounds okay, sort of.

Well actually I shouldn’t be too suprised about his rhymes being okay, because they were written by the Cop Killer himself, Mr. Ice-T. Wait, I’m not sure that you understood that. Ice-T wrote the rhymes in this song. One can only imagine how he landed that ghostwriting job.

The rest of the video is what you would expect - a bunch of multiethnic kids kissing their mothers and giving them flowers or some shit.


I can’t remember, I usually just rewind it to the beginning to watch that little black kid clown the fuck out of that white girl. Shit is the bizness.

Why am I writing about this? Because this is the world’s premier hip-hop podcast and anyway it’s funny, and also important for you to know.

Anyway, if you haven’t already watched the video, do it. It’s interesting, and kinda funny, but you might wanna play it again because it’s not so bad. ACCEPTED.

This actually reminds me of that Tony Hawk video that Chester Copperpot promised me. Where’s that mpeg, motherfucker?