Man, what the fuck is this? I was hitting up prohiphop.com a minute ago and I ran across this article that declares Pharrell of the Neptunes the best-dressed man of 2005.

Over Andre 3000, who was the best dressed of 2004.

Come, on. Pharrell? What kind of bootleg bullshit is that? Pharell is absolutely not worthy of any sort of clothing award at all. I mean, come on. Let’s look at exhibit A:

Here we go. Pharrell is looking like he walked out of a fucking Euro-heritage-only store with his fucking trucker hat. And here we have Andre three motherfucking thousand throwing it down with a TURBAN. See, hip-hop is only good, in my opinion, if it is at least moderately threatening. And like it or not, more people are gonna be scared of you with a fucking towel on your head than some trendy-ass mesh joint. I think the choice is clear here - Andre 3000 wins.

Let’s move on, shall we?

Here we see Andre at a clear disadvantage - namely, he’s on some Paradise Garage shit and he has no shirt on, and he looks like maybe he’s been abusing some of that white stuff, and to quote the homie Young Hootie, I’m not talking Tide with bleach. Still, though, we have Pharrell’s Uncle Tom ass rolling through with a fucking T-shirt on and some expensive-ass Armani shirt or something. I don’t know, where I come from, we don’t wear that kind of shit, so fuck if I know what brand it is. Anyway it’s not no JC Penny’s joint so he’s on some bourgie ish that I ain’t even trying to fuck with.

So it’s a close call here, but Andre, again, comes through with the win.

I have no idea who put that dude on the top of the list, but I have a feeling that it was some white boys down at the Esquire spot. I mean, as MTV says themselves: “The magazine credits the Neptunes hitmaker with ‘injecting dressed-up luxury into hip-hop style,‘” which we all know translates to “We put him in here because he dresses white and we find that less threatening than Dre’s pseudo-Muslim ass“. Fuck Esquire.

It doesn’t stop here, though. Apparently when MTV covered this Esquire article in a sort of weird metajournalism (which would, I suppose, make this meta meta), they mentioned another Top 100 winner - Junichiro Koizumi, the Prime Minister of Japan.

Come on. What the fuck? Forreal, how are you going to mention the Prime Minister of Japan in the same breath as Andre 3000 and that white boy from Franz Ferdinand or whoever else was in there?

Wait. Actually, check out this picture I jacked from google:

Yeah. Dude is on some Public Enemy type shit. I’m fuckin with this dude here. Nevermind if dude is really just another Tony Blair in terms of Bush dickriders, homeboy got his whole team with him! I bet this cat is about to roll up on some punks and let go. Check this next one, though.

Yeah, that settles it. I think it’s safe to say that Junichiro Koizumi, Prime Minister of Japan, deserves the Esquire’s Best Dressed award for 2005, if for no other reason than that he’s way more the hell iced out than either of those other two punks. Koizumi, if you ever wanna be on the best hip-hop podcast on the internets, you have your people get at my people, and we’ll make that shit happen. One.