Okay, I realize that this album came out a long time ago. But I just had to weigh in on the cover. Has anyone taken a look at the Lil Kim album cover? Forreal. Take a fucking look.

Two things come to my mind when I look at this picture. First, I wonder if maybe Lil Kim isn’t actually a seven year old Korean girl. Second, I realize that she looks exactly like JonBenet Ramsey. To illustrate this I have provided a graphic created by an actual seven year old Korean girl.

I’m just saying, though.

More importantly, however;

Lil Kim.

5 Mics.

See, it’s shit like this that makes me want to start doing crystal meth again. This is the reason that I don’t own a television.

Come the fuck on. Has anyone actually heard her latest album? Do you all remember that Lighters Up bullshit? I remember being in a Red Cross van in Montgomery, trying to drive some supplies somewhere or another, and that song came on the radio. I was in the passenger seat, and the girl driving the thing started singing. I asked her what the fuck that noise was, and could she please turn it off before I got violent. She said no, and I got pretty angry. I asked her again who it was, and she said it was Lil Kim. I politely told her to shut the fuck up, because…oh, wait. Yeah, it sounded like Lil Kim a little bit.

Now, I don’t know about Kimmy’s roots. She might be the biggest fucking bumbaclot that ever bumba’d, but as far as I know, she’s as North American Negro as they come. I know that Biggie put her on, and that that dude had his roots down in Kingston or something, so I don’t know. Maybe Kim is Jamaican too. But I certainly don’t remember Big trying to make any money off of this Sean Paul type bullshit (as, if you remember, there was also a certain Jamaican rap fad back in his day), like Kim is.

But whatever. It really doesn’t matter, because the song is shitty. It’s not a good song.

And somehow, some chucklehead down at the Source got it into his head that it was going to be a good idea to give her five mics.

I have the album. Right here in front of me, under a plate of pizza and a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade (not mine, no jokes plzkthx). It’s still shrinkwrapped, it was given to me, and I refuse to listen to it.

Now, it is entirely possible that the rest of the album is okay. But I really don’t care. It’s not worth 5 mics. You could put RZA, Pete Rock, insert your favorite rapper here, and Afrika fucking Bambaataa in the same room, and let them make the best album in the history of hippity-hop, and if they came up with some wanky bullshit like Lighters Up for even one of the tracks, I would automatically reduce their score to like three mics. Maximum.

Probably more like two and a half.